Crack Brownies

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Happy Valentine’s Day….

I love Valentine’s Day. And this isn’t just because I’m currently smug and in love. Honestly, I’ve been a fan of February 14th for as long as I can remember. What’s not to love? When I was young, I looked forward to exchanging paper Valentines and candy with my classmates all year. I very much appreciated getting a bunch of cards telling me how cute and lovable I was (the fact that they were mass-produced and usually involved cartoon characters is irrelevant) and having tons of free candy delivered to my desk. It was like Halloween without the exertion of trick-or-treating.

My memories of childhood V-Days are also sweet thanks to the “Valentine’s Tea” that my mom threw every year. This epic tea party involved three of my favorite things: presents, a pink and red color-scheme, and a sugar-based feast. I keep meaning to suggest a reinstatement of this tradition to my mother. I’m worried that she thinks I’ve outgrown such festivities, which is ridiculous.

In high school, I became less enamored with Valentine’s Day, but only slightly. There was a horrible tradition at The Taft School that involved students sending each other cans of Crush Orange soda. The number of “Crush cans” you received was ostensibly tied to how many people wanted to make out with you, which I imagine could be demoralizing if you happened to be going through your awkward phase. Luckily, the dining hall always broke out the good cookies on Valentine’s Day, which more than made up for a lackluster Crush can haul.

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My faith in Valentine’s Day was fully restored in college, during which I enjoyed 3 lovely V-Days as a singleton. I was old enough to drink, I had awesome single friends, and my dad usually came through by sending a disgustingly large package of cookies and brownies. (I think he was more worried about my romantic status than I was). I wasn’t even embarrassed when the handle on my thirty-pound basket of Snookie’s Cookies broke as I was walking through the quad my freshman year, sending cookies flying everywhere. Sure, a lot of people stared while I tried to stuff 100 individually wrapped cookies in my purse, but it was probably just because they liked my outfit and were jealous of my goodies. Honestly, I’ve never understood why anyone would be sad about being single on a day when you can get shamelessly drunk and eat chocolate with reckless abandon. Valentine’s Day rules.

In the adult world, I have spent February 14th much the same way as I did in college, ingesting large quantities of sugar with a side of booze. I now realize that I associate Valentine’s Day with baked goods (and cocktails), which is probably why I’m able to enjoy it whether or not I’m in a relationship.* And you should too. Hating Valentine’s Day, wearing black to prove a point, and/or crying in sweatpants is so passé. In hopes of convincing everyone to share my love of V-Day, I decided to come up with something special for you. Whether or not you have someone to love this Thursday, I’m giving you something to love. Allow me to introduce Crack Brownies:


These, my friends, are my love letter to you. Packed with marshmallows, pecans, semi-sweet and white chocolate chips, they are everything you’ve ever wanted in a brownie and more. I baked them for the first time on New Year’s Eve and people went nuts. Everyone had at least three, and nobody could stop gushing over how amazing they were. One friend went so far as to dub them “crack brownies,” which I took as the highest of compliments. I’ve never tried crack (I spoke at my DARE graduation), but I hear it’s very addictive, which speaks to the nature of these brownies.

Bring them to a party, take them to work, or eat them for every meal this Thursday. I am not usually a fan of giving food presents (mostly because I don’t want people to think that I enjoy receiving food presents), but Valentine’s Day is an exception. Give them to your crush, send them to your sibling who is still in college and probably needs help getting girls (you’re welcome, Elliot), bake them for your significant other, or surprise your besties. They’ll feel loved, and more importantly, they’ll love you for being so thoughtful and domestic. Happy Valentine’s Day, bitches! Spread the love.

*That said, I sincerely hope Logan has something ridiculous planned.

Crack Brownies: (Serves 1-12)

1 box fudge brownie mix, preferably Duncan Hines (Did I forget to mention that there was a box mix involved? My bad.)
2 large eggs
¾ cup vegetable oil
¼ cup water
¾ cup mini marshmallows
½ cup pecans or walnuts (dealer’s choice), chopped
¼ semi-sweet chocolate chips
¼ cup white chocolate chips


Preparing your brownies:

*Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees.

-In a large mixing bowl combine the brownie mix, eggs, oil, and water.


-Whisk until smooth.


-Add the marshmallow, walnuts, and both chocolate chips. Use a spatula to fold all of these delicious morsels into the brownie batter.


-Pour the batter into a greased 9×9 inch baking pan. (Obviously you can use whatever size you have, but this will affect the baking time.)


-Bake for approximately 30 minutes or until the tip of a sharp knife comes out clean.


-Allow the brownies to cool for 10-15 minutes before slicing into squares. Enjoy the high.


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