The Dude Diet: Breakfast Edition
This week I want to draw attention to breakfast, which until now has sadly been overlooked by The Dude Diet. We all know that breakfast is “the most important meal of the day,” but guys consistently manage to eff it up royally. I’ve been permanently scarred by the Pop-Tart scarfing, breakfast sando-crushing, bagel hoarding lifestyle of many dudes that I know and love.
|The Dude is about to become a morning person.|
Obviously, I’ve seen Logan make some terrifying breakfast choices. If you think he doesn’t love a good hash or a disgustingly greasy plate of huevos rancheros, you clearly don’t read this blog enough. I once witnessed him take down two McDonald’s breakfast burritos in under five minutes. As a snack. Honestly, I’m all for a crazy No-Calorie Sunday brunch, but during the week everyone needs to get their shit together on the breakfast front. For your convenience, I have drawn up some guidelines to help you make healthier choices in the morning…
The Dude Diet Breakfast Guidelines:
1. A bagel and cream cheese is no longer your friend. Remember when I told you, “If it’s white, think twice.” This combo is literally 100% white. Shut it down.
2. Muffins are cupcakes, only larger and without frosting. For the record, vegan muffins are not healthy just because they’re vegan. It simply means that there are no eggs in them. The eggs in muffins are not what is making you fat. It’s the sugar and white flour. Knowledge bomb.
3. Beware of the “fruit and granola parfait.” This is deceptively fattening, especially when it involves approximately 3 servings of granola (which is highly caloric and often involves large quantities of sugar) and a very large serving of full-fat yogurt. I suggest you make your own with non-fat yogurt, ¼ cup of granola, and fresh fruit.
4. Oatmeal is good for you. However, if you put a fistful of dried fruit and a cup of brown sugar on top, it defeats the purpose. Try to restrain yourself.
5. An omelet is a great idea…until you add every kind of breakfast meat, cheese, and potatoes to it. Think vegetables, lean meat, and minimal cheese. And maybe try egg whites. Please?
6. Put down the breakfast sandwich. Put it down, and run away from it. You probably need the exercise.
|Dudes, this is why you’re fat.|
For those of you who are patting yourselves on the back because you “don’t really eat breakfast”…you’re in trouble too. Skipping breakfast is a terrible idea. I have found that when dudes don’t eat breakfast it tends to have bad, scary consequences, specifically, uncontrollable bingeing at lunchtime. This is both unnecessary and gross.
Logan recently told me that he (usually) eats a really healthy breakfast when he’s up at Columbia. Because Logan’s definition of “healthy” remains slightly off the mark, I asked him exactly what he was eating. He said that he just eats a “small plate of fruit.” While I was proud of him for putting actual fruit into his body, I calmly explained that fruit salad on its own isn’t necessarily the best breakfast choice. Fruit has a lot of sugar and almost no protein, which he needs to keep him full and energized until lunch.
Logan’s morning fruit explains why he’s constantly going buck wild at the Italian/Chinese/BBQ buffet at lunch. He justifies these free-for-alls by saying that he was “starving to death.” This is ridiculous on many levels. First of all, it would take quite a while for Logan to starve to death. More importantly, he wouldn’t be “starving” if he ate a balanced breakfast. So, dudes, whether you’re eating fat-kid food in the morning or skipping the most important meal of the day, I would like you to try some dank Dude Diet-approved breakfast options. My first offering is the Dude Diet Breakfast Burrito:
This burrito is the tits. It’s large, filling, and yes, there is some cheese involved. But this isn’t your standard flour tortilla stuffed with gut-expanding fillings such as home fries, sausage, and multiple servings of eggs and cheese. Eating these things for breakfast will literally turn you into a human chimichanga in no time. Unless you enjoy having man boobs, please stop.
The Dude Diet Breakfast Burrito, which is made on a low-carb vegetable tortilla (trust me, you can’t even tell the difference), has a bounty of “wonderland body” benefits. It’s filled with a well-disguised serving of vegetables, healthy fat from the avocado, and substantial protein from the eggs. The sprinkling of cheese is harmless, and it does wonders in terms of keeping a dude from feeling deprived. Long-story short, this breakfast will keep you full and happy until lunch without weighing you down.
If you’re not into the burrito concept (which you should be), or you want something a little lighter in the morning, I suggest a Strawberry Peach Smoothie:
This smoothie is satisfying, nutritious and refreshing. It has more than two servings of fruit, plus protein and digestion-friendly probiotics from the yogurt. The flax seeds pack some much-needed fiber, anti-oxidants, and omega-3 fatty acids. (Don’t freak out, you won’t taste them.) Translation: there is a lot of healthy shit in this smoothie that your body needs. Please try it. It also makes an excellent snack and can easily be taken on-the-go.
I’m sure many of you are already bitching at your computer that you don’t have enough time to make these types of creations first thing in the morning. I’m going to have to call bullshit on your busy and important asses. It took me 7 minutes to make the breakfast burrito from start to finish, and the smoothie can be done in 3. I’ve seen Logan take longer than that to tie his shoes in the morning. You can do this.
Dude Diet Breakfast Burrito: (Serves 1)
Preparing your burrito:
-Beat the eggs in a small bowl and set aside.
-Heat 1 tsp olive oil in a small non-stick pan (honestly, cooking eggs in pans that aren’t non-stick makes me want to die). Add the peppers, onions, cumin, and chili powder and sauté for 2 minutes until the vegetables are just tender.
-Add the eggs and scramble with the vegetables until they are cooked through. This will take less than a minute.
-Microwave the tortilla for 10 seconds. Place your scramble in the center of the tortilla and top with the cheddar cheese, avocado, and a drizzle of hot sauce (if using). Roll that bad boy up and enjoy your guilt-free breakfast fiesta.
Strawberry Peach Smoothie: (Serves 1)
Preparing your smoothie:
-Put all of the ingredients in a blender.
-When smooth, pour into a tall glass, garnish with fruit if you want to get fancy, and drink up.
Guaranteed to do a body good.
2 eggs, beaten
½ cup diced bell pepper, you can use any color you like (I like to go with a combo)
2 tbsp diced yellow onion
1 tsp olive oil
¼ tsp Mexican chili powder
¼ avocado, cubed
1 tbsp reduced fat cheddar, shredded
1 low-carb vegetable tortilla (I like Tumaro's Gourmet Tortillas)
Hot sauce, such as Cholula (optional)
Beat the eggs in a small bowl and set aside.
Heat 1 tsp olive oil in a small non-stick pan (honestly, cooking eggs in pans that aren’t non-stick makes me want to die). Add the peppers, onions, cumin, and chili powder and sauté for 2 minutes until the vegetables are just tender.
Add the eggs and scramble with the vegetables until they are cooked through. This will take less than a minute.
Microwave the tortilla for 10 seconds. Place your scramble in the center of the tortilla and top with the cheddar cheese, avocado, and a drizzle of hot sauce (if using). Roll that bad boy up and enjoy your guilt-free breakfast fiesta.
1 cup strawberries (fresh or frozen)
½ cup peaches
½ cup fat-free vanilla Greek yogurt
¾ cup orange juice
1 tbsp ground flax seeds
1 tsp honey (optional)- I like a tart smoothie, but if you like something a little sweeter, definitely add the honey
Put all of the ingredients in a blender.
When smooth, pour into a tall glass, garnish with fruit if you want to get fancy, and drink up.
Guaranteed to do a body good.
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