The Dude Diet: Cocktail Edition
I am pleased to report that Logan is doing very well on The Dude Diet maintenance plan. The post-bet victory binge was not nearly as extensive or terrifying as Logan threatened it would be, and after a relatively subdued barbecue dinner and a Saturday afternoon Dominos delivery, the dude got himself back on track. While Logan’s eating habits have improved by leaps and bounds over the past few months (there was no place to go but up), one thing continues to thwart his dieting progress…ALCOHOL. I’ve been so focused on Logan’s solid food intake that I‘ve completely neglected his liquid calorie consumption, which is equally (if not more) disturbing. Considering the fact that Logan is going on Spring Break next week, it’s the perfect time for The Dude Diet to tackle the cocktail conundrum.
First things first: Logan loves booze. All booze. Beer, wine, frozen drinks, specialty cocktails…you name it, he’ll drink it. The amount of calories that Logan imbibes is truly mind-blowing. And the worst part is, he doesn’t think twice about it. Logan drinks beer like water, casually orders White Russians as an aperitif, and double-fists tropical drinks on vacay without ever considering the effects on his waistline. He seems to operate under the happy illusion that liquid calories simply do not count.
I’m sure it’s wonderful to exist in a fantasy land of fat-free pina coladas and zero-calorie beers, but it’s certainly not doing anything for Logan’s beach body. Unfortunately, Logan is not the only dude that is nutritionally booze-confused. It pains me to watch dudes shamelessly consume a day’s worth of calories in a few hours at the bar. The simple solution to this problem is to just stop drinking, but such a Draconian approach to boozing is both unrealistic and potentially damaging to your social life. I am only asking that you drink a little more responsibly. And by “responsibly” I mean stop mindlessly consuming margaritas the size of your head and drinking milkshakes disguised as cocktails. For the record, a Mudslide is never an acceptable drink order. Ever.
Let’s start with beer. For better or worse, beer is practically a food group in the average dude’s diet. Don’t panic, I’m not going to tell you that beer is off limits. As I’ve said countless times before, The Dude Diet is all about moderation and being less of an idiot. So, if you’re only having one or two “brew daddies,” feel free to indulge in a 200-calorie IPA. However, if you plan on drinking “frat sodas” all day and/or night, you need to choose a lighter option. Logan regularly claims that he drinks 35 beers during a big night out. Obviously, this is a ridiculous exaggeration, and I have repeatedly explained that he would be unconscious or dead after 35 beers. He agrees to disagree.
Regardless, many dudes regularly drink upwards of 10 beers when they are out on the town, which can rack up close to 2,000 calories. That is a day’s worth of calories, dudes. If you are going to be crushing brews at such a high volume please stick to LIGHT beer. Any light beer will do, but the following beers have 100 calories or less: Bud Select 55, MGD 64, Amstel Light. Kirin Light, Miller Light, Natural Light. Try one (or ten), please. I know you may feel like a pussy ordering an MGD 64, but I promise that it’s worth the brief humiliation. Who do you think gets laid more, the fat slob crushing Bud heavies until 4am or the dude with the wonderland body strategically sipping on low-calorie brews? Unless the slob has Clooney-esque game, the answer will always be the latter. Beer is awesome, a beer belly is not. The sooner you accept this fact, the better.
|Portion-controlled light beer is even better.|
Before you go trading in your beer for a mixed drink, let’s get a few things straight, dudes. Cocktails can pack hundreds of calories in the tiniest of glasses. This may seem confusing, but it’s true. An average 1-ounce serving of liquor contains approximately 90 calories on its own. And let’s be real, you’re usually getting at least 1.5-2 oz of booze in your cocktail. Recently, I witnessed Logan casually take down three White Russians before dinner. In case you are unaware, a White Russian is vodka, Kahlua, and HEAVY CREAM. When I tried to explain to him that he had just consumed the equivalent of three milkshakes, he said, “Don’t be ridiculous! These are much smaller than a milkshake.” Then he ordered a cheeseburger. You win some, you lose some. Long story short: Mixing booze with juice, soda, sugar, and/or cream only adds insult to injury. If you are going to drink liquor, drink it straight or with club soda. If you must, add a splash of juice.
I would like to take a moment to warn you about an especially dangerous cocktail category, which Logan affectionately refers to as “boat drinks.” Boat drinks are your standard rum-heavy umbrella cocktails, the most popular of which are piña coladas and daiquiris. Logan is also fond of the “epic” combination of these two drinks, known as the “Miami Vice,” which he drinks by the blenderful on the beach. During his most recent trip to the Dominican Republic, he admitted to enjoying multiple piña coladas before noon, which explains the disastrous 205 lb weigh-in post-Hippie Fest 2013. I hate to burst his rum-filled bubble, but the average piña colada has more calories than a Big Mac. And no, a daquiri isn’t much better. A good rule of thumb is: If you have ever seen a drink on the cocktail list at T.G.I Fridays, it is not Dude Diet-friendly. No exceptions.
|The daquiri is actually the least disturbing thing in this photo.|
Explaining the booze rules to Logan in relation to his diet made him very sad. Especially since he is about to go on Spring Break and then celebrate his “Senior Spring” at Columbia. Since some of my favorite memories involve Logan splashing about in the pool or ocean with a boat drink in hand, I have created some Dude Diet versions of his favorite cocktails to keep him from feeling deprived in the coming months. I am not suggesting you drink these by the gallon, but if you must have a frozen tropical beverage, these will at least give your beach bod a shot at survival. Allow me to present the Lean-ya Colada:
Fat-free vanilla coconut milk and a touch of light agave syrup give this lighter piña colada the deliciously sweet coconut flavor you love, without the fat and sugar content. Fresh pineapple and lime juice provide the necessary tartness, and frozen pineapple thickens the cocktail without requiring flavor-diluting ice.
If you’re more partial to daquiris, this Slim Strawberry Daiquiri should do the trick:
Instead of using a terrifyingly sugary store-bought mix, this daiquiri combines frozen strawberries, light cranberry juice, fresh lime, and a tiny bit of light agave syrup. It’s tangy-sweet and deliciously refreshing.
Even thought it’s not a boat drink, I thought I’d throw in a Skinny White Russian, for good measure:
Here, I simply replaced heavy cream with fat-free half-and-half, and you can barely tell the difference. Unless you aspire to Jeff Bridges’ Big Lebowski belly, you should exclusively drink this version.
I realize that this post may make Logan look like an out of control alcoholic. I promise, he is not. Logan is a responsible, intelligent, upstanding member of society who likes to get fratty on the weekends and loose on vacation. And occasionally enjoy a couple cocktails during the week. So basically, he’s an average dude. Don’t be so judgy.
Preparing your Lean-ya Colada:
-Place all ingredients in a blender and puree until smooth. Serve with a slice of fresh pineapple and a maraschino cherry if you’re feeling festive.
Preparing your Daiquiri:
-Place all ingredients in a blender and puree until smooth. (I prefer to keep things simple when dealing with booze.)
*For a Miami Vice, fill a glass halfway with strawberry daiquiri and fill the remainder of the glass with pina colada.
Preparing your Skinny White Russian:
-Pour vodka and Kahlua into a highball glass filled with ice. Mix well. Gently pour fat-free half-and-half or skim milk over the booze and serve immediately.
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