The Dude Diet: Holiday Party Plan

Happy Holidays from the Dude.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a rough week for The Dude Diet. Despite my best efforts, Logan remains committed to “going off the rails” until New Years. However, I have still managed to get him to eat a couple of healthy meals this week, and he’s gone to the gym twice, so I remain hopeful. Like anyone else, he has good days and bad days.

Last Thursday was one of those bad days. I knew it was going to be a tough one when Logan rushed out the door and yelled, “I drank an Emergen-C, so I’ve got all my fruits taken care of, and I’m gonna get something dirty for lunch! Love you!” He was gone before I could protest, probably skipping to the subway high on Vitamin C and the thought of having BBQ for lunch. I eventually explained to him that Emergen-C is a dietary supplement, and that “dietary supplement” does not mean “fruit and vegetable replacement” or “magical weight loss powder,” but I’m not sure he’s convinced.

That evening, Logan called to check in on his way to a dinner meeting. He reported that his day had gone well, and that he had “worked out like a maniac” that afternoon. Considering the fact that most of Logan’s workouts are of the executive variety (sauna, steam, shower), I was overwhelmed with pride. That was until he followed up with,  “Then I had a bacon cheeseburger!” When I casually asked why he would eat a bacon cheeseburger after a workout and before he went to dinner, he responded, “It’s not like I ate all of it. I left like two bites!” He then went on to explain that this was necessary because he was probably going to have a couple drinks before his dinner, and it was risky “to crush a bunch of c-tails on an empty stomach.” Logan is nothing if not responsible.

Yes, Thursday was upsetting, but what’s one bad day in the scheme of things? I’ve got bigger problems than a vitamin misconception and a post-workout cheeseburger. This week ushers in the first round of serious holiday parties, and we all know that means large quantities of cocktails and appetizers. I’m not so worried about Logan on the cocktail front. He’s usually drinking skinny bitches (vodka sodas) or lattes (Coors Light), so at least I know I’m not going to find him pounding a thousand calories worth of eggnog at any given party. It’s the appetizers that give me anxiety. Logan LOVES appetizers.

Logan at a cocktail party is truly a sight to behold. He lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees a server with something “dirty” on a tray. It is simultaneously terrifying and endearing to witness this level of excitement over finger food. Logan’s enthusiasm is most notably reflected in his objectively creepy interactions with the servers. Standard comments include, “Ohhhhhh yeah dude, bring those babies over here,” “Yeah man, hook me up!” and “Let me get in there!” Logan is also known to shamelessly chase down and/or follow servers with particularly enticing treats. I pity the poor, unsuspecting server with the pigs in a blanket tray. He’s always in for a tough night.

The need to develop a strategy for the holiday party season became abundantly clear at a cocktail party that Logan and I attended last month. The two of us separated at the beginning of the party because we are very independent, and because Logan was busy chasing the servers around and I couldn’t keep up with him in my heels. When we reconvened an hour later at the bar, he pulled a giant wad of cocktail napkins out of each of his pockets. Clearly he hadn’t been shy about “getting involved with the apps.” To be honest, the sheer volume of napkins was actually quite impressive.

The night of the “Napkin Incident.”

In my experience, Logan is not alone in his weakness for “money apps.” Dudes tend to have a harder time resisting the temptation of all those “dank snacks” being passed around than their female counterparts. Thanks to tight dresses and the fear of looking unattractive while eating mid-conversation, girls generally manage to eat fewer appetizers at parties.* Oddly, guys don’t seem to have a problem shoving food in their mouths while socializing. I’m actually jealous of this lack of inhibition, but it certainly doesn’t bode well for their holiday bodies.

Now, dudes, I’m not saying that you are forbidden to have any holiday party treats. The best part about The Dude Diet is that nothing is off limits. As always, I’m only asking that you be less of an idiot. Just because appetizers are small does not mean that you should eat an unlimited amount of them. You only ate three sliders? Congratulations! I hope you enjoyed eating a cheeseburger and a half as a light snack. What’s that? You ate ten pigs in a blanket because they are “bite-size”? Bad news, buddy, you just ate three sausages. Good luck not getting the meat sweats. Seriously, just be a little more mindful of your choices. If you must go wild, at least try some prosciutto and melon or maybe a shrimp cocktail. Please?

In addition to taking every opportunity to feed Logan healthy meals this week, I have come up with a strategy that I feel at least 50% confident will prevent holiday party bingeing.** This is simple: eat a small, healthy meal beforehand. Unleashing a hungry dude on a cocktail party is a recipe for disaster. I suggest something with protein and fiber like Chicken Paillard and Quinoa with Roasted Vegetables:

Your new secret weapon.

It’s nutritious, delicious, and it will keep you full without weighing you down. Eat this, and I guarantee that you’ll be able to resist chasing the servers at your next holiday party. This meal also makes an excellent Dude Diet lunch option, since it travels well and tastes just as good cold. And if you’re not into quinoa, chicken paillard can be eaten over a mixed green salad, with brown rice and vegetables, or in a sandwich. You’ve got so many “dirty” options here. Get after it.

*I am extrapolating from my own experience here. Girls, if you’re also worried about eating too many apps this holiday season, I suggest investing in some tighter dresses.

**Logan is very unpredictable.

Chicken Paillard: (Serves 4)