The Dude Diet: Beach Body Blitz
I don’t even know where to begin in terms of the ways that Logan has internationally shamed The Dude Diet over the past three weeks. Although I anticipated some standard Dude Diet deviation, he really went above and beyond in terms of his “vacation eating.” I am sad to report that Logan’s South American extravaganza put Christmas and Hippie Fest 2013 to shame. If I weren’t so horrified, I’d actually be impressed.
Since leaving New York, Logan has pretty much been on a straight-up diet of meat and booze. I’m ashamed to say that I did nothing to curb this behavior while I was with him. He just seemed so high on grass fed beef and Malbec that it broke my heart to kill his buzz. However, I should have known that things were only going to get worse once I left. All the tell-tale signs of Logan reverting to his pre-Dude Diet eating habits were there, highlighted by the fact that he ordered Dominos to our hotel room my last night in Rio. Luckily, I had the foresight to record this event. This video says so much that I can’t…
*To be fair, I was on board with this at the time. It was No-Calorie Sunday and I hadn’t eaten dinner. Unfortunately, the Dude had already crushed a steak before this pizza order.
Based on the photos and texts that I received from Logan over the past two weeks, the Brazilian Dominos indulgence was just the tip of the binge-eating iceberg. He has been busy getting dirty at Brazilian churrascarias, crushing pao de quejo com linguica (aka sausage cheesy bread), and drinking “45 caipirinhas a day.” (As I’ve mentioned before, Logan has delusions of grandeur regarding his drinking capabilities). I have never seen such flagrant Dude Diet disobedience.
Sadly, the Dude is showing no signs of slowing his roll on the food front this weekend. His flight from Brazil got in early this morning, and less than half an hour after crawling into bed with me, he asked what we had to eat. Before I could answer, he said, “I should probably just go around the corner and get a beggie.” (A “beggie” is a bacon, egg and cheese for those of you not familiar with the Dude’s lingo.) When I let out a strangled moan, he replied, “What? I’m on vacation.” (Apparently, he considers graduation weekend an extension of his vacation.) He then went to get dressed and broke the stool in the closet when he stepped on it to reach a pair of pants. Literally. He crushed the plastic.
The Dude’s current state is particularly disheartening with Memorial Day looming large on the horizon. Since Logan loves nothing more than frolicking shirtless in the waves, he will be in need of some serious help getting beach-ready next week. Luckily, I anticipated this fact. The Dude Diet may have died a thousand deaths in South America, but like a phoenix, it shall rise from the ashes and work its magic before Logan terrorizes the greater New York area in a tank top.
What could possibly get Logan back on track before he embarrasses The Dude Diet on the beach next weekend? Allow me to introduce the Beach Body Blitz Plan. This plan is as close to a cleanse as I feel comfortable subjecting Logan to at this stage of his nutritionally unbalanced life. I fear anything more severe may be too much of a shock to his system, and I don’t want him to start crying or passing out in public, as it would be bad for The Dude Diet’s image.
I am painfully aware of the fact that all dudes fall off the healthy-eating wagon
regularly from time to time. The only thing to do when this happens is to haul your rapidly expanding ass back on. Put down whatever fattening food you have in your hand, suck in your gut, and get yourself back in The Dude Diet game. The Beach Body Blitz Plan will help. Whether you do it once a week, month, or year, it’s exactly what you need to jumpstart your journey to a wonderland body.
What this program boils down to, dudes, is three days of clean eating. All I want you putting in your mouth is lean protein, fruits, vegetables, and a smattering of high-fiber whole grains. During this time, you will not go near refined sugar, white flour or booze. (Honestly, if you can’t give up those things for 72 hours, you may have bigger problems than your waist-size.) In an ideal world, you would eat like this all the time, but for now, I’ll settle for three days.
For your convenience, I have included a specific menu for the Beach Body Blitz Plan below. Obviously, you can modify this plan to fit your specific tastes, and you should feel free to substitute any of your favorite Dude Diet recipes for the ones below. If you’re already bitching at your computer about the amount of cooking this plan requires…CHILLAX, BRO. These are all simple, idiot-proof recipes that require minimal prep work. You can do this.
As far as lunch goes, I have provided some great make-ahead options that you can easily take to your day job. If you really can’t spare half an hour in the evening to make dinner and prep your lunch (congratulations, you must be very busy and important!), I suggest enlisting a friend/roommate/significant other to help you out. Friends don’t let friends be fat during beach season.
Beach Body Blitz Plan
*Snacks: Please limit yourself to no more than 2 snacks a day, dudes. There is no universe in which you will need more than that. In case you need a refresher on acceptable snacks, please see here.
You better believe that Logan will be embracing the Beach Body Blitz Plan on Monday. I already anticipate some resistance on the Detox Salad, but I’m confident that any tension will be forgotten once the Dude digs into Smoked Paprika Chicken Breasts with Mediterranean Chopped Salad for dinner.
Smoked paprika chicken is a ridiculously simple recipe, and it is dope. The sweet smokiness of the paprika (which is a spice you should incorporate into your repertoire immediately) and the kick of cayenne pepper elevate your average chicken breast from plain to “dirty.” It’s a great recipe for this summer’s barbecues, and the chicken tastes equally delicious both hot and cold.
While smoked paprika chicken breasts are an awesome addition to pretty much any salad, the flavors blend beautifully with Mediterranean chopped salad. I catered this recipe to Logan’s salad preferences, which are basically, “more good shit, less lettuce.” In fact, there is no lettuce at all in this chopped salad. Instead, it’s a satisfying combination of bright bell peppers, crunchy cucumber and red onion, and buttery chickpeas.
Tossed with a fresh basil dressing that gives it a hint of sweetness and a light, citrusy finish, this salad is bursting with flavor and nutrition benefits. It’s packed with essential vitamins and antioxidants, and the chickpeas give it a serious fiber and protein boost. Studies have shown that people who eat chickpeas as part of their regular diet eat fewer snacks and overall calories. Needless to say, The Dude Diet endorses chickpeas.
Mediterranean chopped salad is also an ideal lunch to take on the go during your Beach Body Blitz. Mix in chopped smoked paprika chicken and you’ve got a pretty epic midday feast, or just eat it on it’s own (it’s surprisingly filling). This is one of those salads that keeps well in the fridge for a couple days and is very versatile, so you’ll be glad to have it on hand as a meal, side dish, or healthy snack. Get blitzing dudes, your fellow beach-goers will thank you.
Smoked Paprika Chicken Breasts: (Serves 4)
4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 tablespoon smoked paprika (Yes, you can use regular paprika if you must.)
¾ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon garlic powder
Pinch of cayenne pepper (optional)
Preparing your chicken breasts:
*I often can only find giant boneless skinless chicken breasts at the grocery store. They are too big for one person (portion control, people), so I just cut them in half on a diagonal to create four smaller “breasts.” You should do the same.
-In a small bowl, combine the smoked paprika, salt, garlic powder, and cayenne pepper (if using).
-Rub each chicken breast with olive oil (a little goes a long way). Next, rub the breasts with the paprika mixture.
-Place your chicken breasts on the grill (whoop) or in a grill pan and cook for 6-8 minutes on each side (depending on thickness) until they are cooked through.
-Serve with Mediterranean chopped salad. Get your cleanse on, dudes.
Mediterranean Chopped Salad: (Serves 4)
1 yellow bell pepper, chopped
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1½ cups canned chickpeas, drained and rinsed
½ medium English cucumber (or any seedless variety), chopped
½ red onion, chopped
For the dressing:
Juice of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh basil
Preparing your Mediterranean chopped salad:
-In a small bowl combine all of the ingredients for the dressing. Let stand for at least 10 minutes.
-Chop the bell peppers, cucumber and onion into ½-inch pieces.
-In a large mixing bowl, combine the vegetables and chickpeas. Add the dressing and gently toss to coat. Refrigerate for at least 20 minutes for the flavors to combine. Serve chilled or at room temperature. Your beach body thanks you.
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