The Dude Diet: New Year’s Resolutions

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2013: Year of the Dude Diet

Although Logan repeatedly warned me that his eating habits were going to “get real dirty over the holidays,” I don’t think I was actually prepared for the free-for-all that has taken place since Thanksgiving. I have already discussed the horrors of the weeklong Chinese buffet that was Logan’s trip to Shanghai, so no need to go into more gory dumpling-eating details.

Christmas, which came on the heels of China-fest 2012, was equally unfortunate on the food front. I know this because of Logan’s texts about ham sandwiches and the pictures that his mom sent me of him going to town on his favorite finger foods. These pictures were made all the more terrifying by the fact that he decided to turn his holiday beard into a holiday moustache.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

The New Year’s festivities only added insult to Dude Diet injury. We spent the weekend in Telluride with some friends who had thoughtfully special-ordered sausage, brisket, and ribs from Salt Lick BBQ in Texas. Logan nearly peed himself with excitement while the feast was prepared. As per usual, it’s all fun and games until someone gets the meat sweats. To be fair, Logan wasn’t the only victim. Everyone got the meat sweats that night. I swear there was something in the meat. Having never suffered this affliction before, I can honestly say it was gruesome. It is now even more unclear to me how Logan and other dudes manage to endure meat sweats on a semi-regular basis. Unforgivable.

I had high hopes that Logan would go back on the Dude Diet after New Year’s Day (on which he cooked an enormous ham), even though he told me that he was going to continue his “vacation eating” until he got back to New York on January 9. I figured that at least skiing would be a good distraction. No dice. First of all, some genius put a barbecue joint on the top of the mountain, which naturally entitled Logan to a “chronic combo platter” between runs. And the après-ski “snack” usually devolved into a blurry nacho-crushing extravaganza.

However, despite Logan’s recent diversion from Dude Diet principles, things are about to get back on track. The dude has fully committed himself to “getting his wonderland body in shape,” and he’s been talking a lot about getting his eight-pack back. I have never seen the aforementioned eight-pack, so needless to say, I’m pretty psyched! He also made a bet with a friend that he can lose 6% of his body weight this month. This is promising, since Logan is nothing if not competitive.

Dudes, 2013 is going to be your year. Whether you need to get rid of your man boobs by beach season, get back under a deuce by your birthday party, or you just want to live past the age of 35, I’ve got you covered. It won’t always be easy, especially for those of you who think that burritos are healthy or drink White Russians on the reg, but it will be worth it. I’ll be here every week providing you with the information you need to get your fat ass back in shape. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. You’re welcome.

For your convenience, I have compiled a short list of Dude Diet-friendly New Year’s Resolutions. I have written these in the first-person, so that you can read them aloud to yourself or print them out and put them on your fridge. Learn them, love them, live them.

Dude Diet New Year’s Resolutions:
1.  I resolve to be less of a nutritional idiot. I will think before I put things in my mouth, especially pizza, burritos, and other foods that are larger than my head.
2.  I shall only eat 3 meals a day. This is not hard.
3.  Excluding my birthday and barbecue festivals to which I have purchased a ticket, I shall not eat meat in quantities large enough to give me the meat sweats. Not even on Sundays.
4. I resolve to exercise. Such exercise must break a sweat. Sitting in a steam room or sauna does not count.
5. My body is a wonderland. I commit myself to The Dude Diet in hopes that other people will agree with this statement


Logan got back from Colorado last night ready to embrace these resolutions and excited to kick-off his 2013 wonderland plan with a Dude Diet dinner. Shockingly, Logan isn’t fussy on seafood. However, he does love a good tuna steak, so I decided to capitalize on this small victory. The dude was served sesame-crusted tuna with coconut-scented brown rice and stir-fried baby bok choy:


This was a major Dude Diet success. Logan practically inhaled it and then proceeded to pick pieces off of my plate, which is his highest form of praise.

The best thing about this meal is that it looks and tastes incredibly impressive and complex,* but it is actually idiot-proof. You only need about 15 minutes hands-on prep time, so it’s a perfect weeknight meal. To all my peeps cooking for one, this recipe can easily be halved, which means that you have no excuse not to try it. If you have leftovers, the tuna tastes amazing over a salad the next day. Mix ¼ tsp minced ginger with 1 tsp sesame oil (or olive oil) and 1 tbsp low sodium soy sauce for an easy dressing.

I am very excited to announce that 2013 holds some pretty epic things for The Dude Diet. While Logan may have inspired this lifestyle regime, he is certainly not the only dude in need of a diet. The Dude Diet will be expanding to feature several wonderful and nutritionally challenged dudes, who I’m sure you will love almost as much as Logan. I will also be starting a support group for the significant others of Dude Dieters. Our lives can be very stressful. Please contact [email protected] if you are interested.

*People are always impressed when you fan any sort of meat or fish on a plate. Suckers.

Sesame-Crusted Tuna: (Serves 2-4, 2 if you’re dealing with a hungry dude)

1 lb tuna steak (easier to cook if its cut into ½ lb steaks)
½ cup black and white sesame seeds (You can also buy a seasoned sesame seed mix. I like the ginger sesame mix from Whole Foods)
1½ tbsp olive oil
freshly ground pepper


Preparing your tuna:

-Season both sides of your tuna steaks with a pinch of salt and freshly ground pepper.


-Dredge each steak in the sesame seeds. Gently press the seeds into the tuna to make sure they stick.


-Heat 1½ tbsp olive oil in a large pan. When hot, add the tuna steaks.


-Cook 1-1½ minutes on each side for rare (which is best, but you can do what you want…), and approximately 2½  minutes per side for medium rare.

-Remove the tuna from the pan and place on a cutting board. Slice the steaks diagonally and serve.


*Make sure to fan the tuna out to make it look fancy on the plate. You’re very impressive.

Coconut-Scented Brown Rice: (Serves 4)

3/4 cup brown rice
1 13.5 oz can light coconut milk
¼ tsp salt


Preparing your rice:

-Combine all ingredients in a small pot. Bring to a boil, then lower to a simmer and cover with a lid. Cook 45 minutes, remove from the heat, and fluff with a fork. Done and done.


Stir-Fried Baby Bok Choy: (Serves 4)

4 bunches baby bok choy
t tbsp low sodium soy sauce
1 clove garlic, minced
½ tsp minced fresh ginger
1 tbsp honey


Preparing your bok choy:

-Separate the individual stalks of baby bok choy from the bunch. Wash well and drain.


-Separate the leaves from the stalks. Slice the leaves horizontally and the stalks diagonally. (I read somewhere that this is how you should chop bok choy. If this is too much for you, just chop everything into medium pieces and be done with it).


-Heat 1 tbsp olive oil in a wok or large pan. Add the minced garlic and ginger and sauté for 2 minutes until fragrant.

-Add the soy sauce and honey. Saute 30 seconds, and then add the bok choy. Stir-fry for 2-3 minutes until the leaves are wilted and the stalks are just tender. Serve.


*Drizzle the extra sauce over your sesame-crusted tuna and rice!


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