The Dude Diet: Snack Attack

easy-avocado-toast-with-turkey Logan is currently busy eating, drinking, and karaoke-ing his way through Shanghai. Although I received a distraught phone call about how they had only served him “weird Chinese cookies and shitty quarter sandos” (I assume he meant tea sandwiches) on the first day of class, I am sad to report that conditions have improved, and he is happily sampling as much Chinese food as he can get his hands on. I know this because he has sent several pictures of him smiling with various plates of Chinese specialites and hugging street food vendors. He also admitted to having “the dumpling sweats” on Wednesday night. Clearly, the Dude Diet is not faring well. However, this blog is banned in China, so Logan probably just forgot the rules…

This week, I would like to focus on an issue that poses a constant threat to the success of the Dude Diet: Snacking. Logan is seemingly unaware of his snacking problem. I honestly don’t even think that he considers the nutritional value or calorie content of the things that he eats between meals. It’s practically a free-for-all. I’ve been noticing this more and more lately, but what really hammered it home was a conversation that I had with Logan while we were watching The Hunger Games last week.

Despite the fact that he is a 29 year-old male, Logan LOVES The Hunger Games. Since reading the book last spring, he has been operating under the illusion that he would undoubtedly be the victor if he were ever forced to participate in the Games. According to him, he would be “a natural born killer in that arena.” (He also told me that I would never be able to hack it, but that he would try to keep me alive for a bit. God, he’s romantic.)

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Natural Born Killer…

The truth is, Logan would probably be the first to die in the Hunger Games. And this has nothing to do with the fact that he has no known knife, sword, or archery skills. Realistically, it would all come down to the lack of snacks in the arena. I am confident that if Logan had to go more than eight waking hours without food, he would go insane. In fact, he’d probably started begging people to kill him just to put him out of his misery. When I explained this to him, his response was, “That’s retarded. I could go a long time without food. I don’t even eat that many snacks!” This comment was very disturbing because clearly Logan is delusional. He certainly could not go a long time without food. And he eats a LOT of snacks.

Not only does Logan eat a lot of snacks, he makes terrible decisions when it comes to choosing them. Color me shocked. For example, he came home last week with a pocketful of mini candy bar wrappers from when he “was starving on the walk from the subway.” Logan also tends to eat weird combinations of tortilla chips, meat, and string cheese while he’s waiting for dinner to be ready, and he often makes quesadillas between meals. A few months ago, I asked if he wanted me to pick up anything for him at the grocery store. His response? “Can you just get some snack foods? Like string cheese, hot pockets, and pizza rolls or something?” Needless to say, I did not fulfill this request, but it clearly demonstrates his snacking idiocy.

Logan is not alone in his love of snacking, or in his inability to make healthy snack choices. For some reason, most dudes don’t think before they snack. It’s as if food eaten between meals simply doesn’t count. This is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against snacking altogether. Eating between meals can actually be a good thing. It prevents over-eating at lunch and dinner, and it keeps hunger-induced mood swings at bay. (Nothing and no one is more terrifying than Logan when he’s starving.) All I’m asking is that you think about the things that you’re putting in your mouth and try to make less moronic snack choices. In case you are struggling with your snacking habits, I’ve compiled some general guidelines:

1. If it is fried or could potentially be featured in an App Sampler at TGI Friday’s, it is not an acceptable snack. Just say no.

2. Nuts are good for you. Eat them raw. Once they are honey roasted, salted, or covered in chocolate, they are no longer “healthy,” okay? Also, nuts are very calorie dense. Please stop repeatedly shoving handfuls of them in your mouth. And do not eat bar nuts. Ever.

3. Pizza is not a snack. It is a meal. I don’t care if you “only had one piece.”

4. Do not eat chips/pretzels/crackers out of the box or the bag. Because you will probably eat at least half of the box/bag. This has the same number of calories as an entire meal. Take some out and put them in a bowl. Or just eat a handful (that’s the serving size).

5. Eat a fucking piece of fruit. Please?

6. If you are not hungry, you do not need a snack. Duh.

If you need some healthy snack ideas, I’ve got you covered. Make some quinoa cakes or quinoa with roasted vegetables at the beginning of the week to heat up whenever you get hungry. Light soups like chicken soup or minestrone are also smart choices to keep in the fridge. Guacamole is another good option, but go easy on the chips, fatty. If you’re lazy and want a quick fix, this avocado toast with turkey and sriracha (or sesame) is exactly what you need:

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It’s packed with fiber, protein, and healthy fat from the avocado. Plus, it’s delicious and the sriracha/sesame keeps it interesting. You can make this in three minutes, so you have no excuse not to try it. You’ll thank me later.

Avocado Toast with Turkey

Yield: 1 serving

Ingredients

  • 1 slice wholegrain bread (go sprouted grain or gluten-free if you’re feeling wild)
  • ½ tsp olive oil
  • 2 slices smoked turkey (use low-sodium turkey if you can find it)
  • ¼ ripe avocado, sliced
  • For serving: (optional)
  • Sriracha
  • Black or white sesame seeds

Instructions

  1. Toast the bread. This can be done in a pan or under the broiler if you don’t have a toaster. (I don’t.) Drizzle with ½ tsp olive oil. Add the turkey and place the sliced avocado on top.
  2. Drizzle with as much sriracha/sesame as you like. Done and done.
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  • Anonymous

    !!!!!! all of my favorite things on a piece of bread, and you’re telling me this is healthy? best. holiday gift. ever.

  • That was hilarious. I also like your Sriracha turkey toast snack!